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Still Getting Hosed: Starfire Water

by Mark Edward, Feb 04 2013

3418376-watering-the-plants-with-a-garden-hoseThe quest for the ultimate in hydration has now reached a high-water mark in surrealchemy. After the hype of fog-drip, coconut water, charcoal water, smoked water, vitamin water, gogi water and even “black water,” America continues getting hosed with a steady stream of scientific claims and the height of medicine show quackery. Can you say “snake oil?” untitledOne of my favorite episodes of Penn & Teller’s “Bullshit”  is “The Truth About Bottled Water.”  That classic featured a  ”Water Sommelier” at a high-end restaurant.: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfPAjUvvnIc. The national obsession with water was beautifully skewered. That should have been the end of the story. Not by a long shot apparently. The purveyors of woo knew that few of the people searching for the Fountain of Youth would pay much attention to to scallywags like Penn & Teller, and so the river flows on. Take the claims of “Isklar,” Norwegian glacier water:

The people behind Isklar claim that while most of our planet’s water evaporates into the atmosphere and is recycled in a seven-year period – picking up pollutants on the way – the water frozen inside  glaciers was formed thousands of years ago when the air was far cleaner. But some reviewers on Amazon say Isklar water (£8.44 for 24 500ml bottles) never tastes better than when mixed with whisky. ”

middle2I suppose the “frozen inside” theory makes sense of a sort and the taste test from Amazon would depend largely on the whisky and amount you drink. We all have blind spots. Back in my single malt drinking days, I had to have that special bottle of Scottish “Highland Spring Water” to truly complete my solemn drinking ritual. I bought into the hype. What garden hose it came from didn’t matter to me as I fancied myself a connoisseur of fine regional “waters of life” and wouldn’t think of sullying my fine dram with mere tap water. 

Today you can even get genuine “Loch Ness Water.”  Never mind what the locals say when you read about the loch. They warn visitors boiling for 5 minutes before drinking any loch water owing to the algae and other pollutants present in the murky depths. Visitors are further advised to take any water from the center of the loch rather than the surrounding edges for that reason. I’m not sure how far out in the loch or what part of  the purveyors of “Genuine Loch Ness Water” syphon their bounty from, but I’m guessing it’s close to the shore.

Mayor Villaraigosa Hydrtaes

Mayor Villaraigosa Hydrtaes

But now we are assured have the ultimate:

Starfire Water!

Yes, it’s here – and no less a personage than Mayor Villaragosa himself heartily endorses it! 

If you aren’t sitting down while you read the next paragraph, I would advise it. I haven’t seen such a load of non-stop woo bullshit since the power bracelet hit the streets. Here’s the label in it’s entirety:

THIRST THE FIRE

“Legend has it that the mystical “Starfire”was the liquid manna of the divine, used by the ancients for ultra-focus, extreme performance, and even enlightenment. In that vein, we introduce STARFIRE WATER, a propiratary alkaline performance, bio-holographic “living” water produced using breakthrough 21st century, quantum water technology. STARFIRE WATER is treated with ultraviolet, ozonation,infra-red stimulation and electromagnetism for a negative (-) ion charged water, as in nature, allowing deep cellular intake through your aquaporins, the floodgates to hydration.Vortex induced, using a solar -helix and pyramid-grid system. to give it a hexagonal structure, and infused with monatomic elements, we are able to achieve a water with cosmic healing energy. This water is amplified with psionic wave oscillation tuned to the Universe’s frequency, helping to synchronize you with the heartbeat of our Earth. STARFIRE WATER is treated with Sacred Sound Resonance Transmission to vibrationally transform you on the deepest molecular level. Altogether we’ve created the world’s first premium alkaline . performance, “living,”" hexagonal super-structured water.”

It isn’t just water – it’s structured water. It’s also infused and energized.

I noticed at their site www.starfire.com that they are offering 25% discounts. Perhaps their over-the-top labeling may have strangled sales with too much of their own woo? Personally I’m almost afraid to drink the stuff.

Their website continues the farce:

“The problem with most water is that the body can’t actually absorb it, as the water’s composition can’t properly seep into the cells. You see water isn’t just water. If you’ve ever gone for a run and then stopped at a drinking fountain to drink some water, you may have experienced the feeling of the water not really quenching your thirst, besides tasting terrible. The problem is that the tap water is essentially sewer water with all the gunk inside of it and even with basic filtration on a basic level it is still sewer water.”

You see, water isn’t just water. Right? 

“Starfire Water is different. Our water is spinned for several hours in a vortex to change the [hydrogen] composition of the water at a molecular level. Your cells suck up this water like a sponge. Plus, it tastes better than anything else”

SOMS-Wagon1-OKThe medicine show wagon has once again pulled into the center of town –  only this time it’s in Beverly Hills and not some obscure outpost in the Oklahoma Territiry. The barker and his wares are the same quackery dressed up with the latest buzz words. Thanks to companies like STARFIRE, we can now look forward to more “quantums,” “bio-holographics” and ”vortex induced” products raining down on us like the divine manna that legends of ancient  mystical yore told us about.  There oughta’ be a law.

Is this false advertising?

I’m guessing all the fancy scientific sounding double-talk processes listed on the label come down to a couple of guys in a warehouse stiring tap water into an inverted funnel (the pyramid grid syatem) under a bright UV bulb, while someone passes a horseshoe magnet under the tap while banging on a gong (or maybe there’s Grateful Dead music in the background) for that all-important “Sacred Sound Resonance.”

More likely still: Nothing at all happens except the tap water is syphoned into bottles to the sacred sound of money being counted into the tills.

A visit to the STARFIRE exclusive proprietary location would provide the only true enlightenment..

Challenge:

If the producers of STARFIRE WATER would like to invite me personally to their “laboratory,” I would truly appreciate the chance to view their processes and if necessary;  review and amend the statements I have made here.  If after a guided tour, I find I have witnessed one single “breakthrough technology, ” or “psionic wave oscillation,” I will provide the readers of Skepticblog with a complete retraction.  Until then, I remain skeptical.

Cheers.

 
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Still Getting Hosed: Starfire Water, 4.5 out of 5 based on 18 ratings

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30 Responses to “Still Getting Hosed: Starfire Water”

  1. kraut says:

    yes,it is all there, the hallmark of heavy woo: quantum holographic
    vortex induced heix pyramidal ionic…it couldn’t be just someone pulling some legs here? That woo sounds almost too perfect to be not a poe.

  2. itzac says:

    Bingo!

    This has got to be a Poe. Or at least a wildly cynical ploy.

  3. Mark Edward says:

    Lately, everytime I write something and post it here, it gets tagged a ploy, I’ve been duped, too unbelievable to be true, I’m a liar etc. Sorry, this is once again a product now available in stores. It’s my job to bring to skepticism the most egregious examples of woo I can find.
    BTW: It’s about $1.99 per bottle.
    Wildly cynical? Yes it is.

  4. Archie Clebberdale says:

    Unporven?
    Otherwise, excellent article. What people are willing to fork over for a bit of H₂O never ceases to amaze me.

  5. kraut says:

    “It’s about $1.99 per bottle.”

    Too cheap for really good woo…

  6. kraut says:

    “allowing deep cellular intake through your aquaporins, the floodgates to hydration.Vortex induced, using a solar -helix and pyramid-grid system. This water is amplified with psionic wave oscillation tuned to the Universe’s frequency, helping to synchronize you with the heartbeat of our Earth.”
    you really don’t think that this is laying on a bit too thick? And by whom?

    Especially when your link leads to led….rather removed from water I would think…

  7. d brown says:

    They said that one was born ever minute. That was then.

  8. madscientist says:

    Huh – starfire water eh? That reminds me of my days in Phoenix long ago. There was this truck carrying those large bottles of “Pure Spring Water” and the driver was filling bottles from a leak sprung in the plumbing around the parking lot of the Los Arcos Mall. “See -” I told my brother – “now you know what kind of spring it’s filled from”.

  9. Bill says:

    If they tried to pack any more woo-infused buzzwords onto that label, the thing would collapse into a mini black hole that the LHC could only dream about.

    • Old Rockin' Dave says:

      I was thinking that there ought to be a way of scoring this stuff. I suggest that we add together the number of woo-words, the grammatical errors, and the punctuation errors, and divide the word count by the total. The lower the final number, the greater the woo content.

  10. DeLong says:

    The correct link to the Starfire Water website is:

    http://starfirewater.myshopify.com/

  11. Bill says:

    I was skeptical until I saw this entry on ther FAQ

    • Bill says:

      Grrr…premature returnkeyitis.
      Anyway, here’s the FAQ entry that convinced ME:

      “3. Do you have studies to substantiate these claims?

      We have been vigorously testing structured water and currently have laboratory results which show lower boiling point, significantly lower viscosity (thinner water), and lower surface tension. These are all characteristics of a water with smaller clusters of molecules. Clinical test results also indicate a strong impact on the physiology after ingesting structured water. The amount of energy increase emanating from the body after drinking structured water has been documented and recorded using Kirlian photography.”

      • Student says:

        ie: They say they have proof. Their studies (Which aren’t listed, and probably aren’t peer reviewed) say it’s good.

        1) Why would clustering matter? And that’s related to the properties of water, so their process shouldn’t be able to affect that, so far as I’m aware.
        2)Sight unseen “clinical test results”? Colour me unimpressed.
        3) Kirlian photography? It doesn’t even measure what they’re talking about. It shows coronal discharges. Even if there were a difference, which wasn’t random, why would this be a good thing?

        You’re easily convinced, and duped.

  12. Lans Ellion says:

    Is this an example of Poe’s law? That website goes way too over the top with pseudoscience buzz words. It sounds like someone who has listened to all the usual quack language and intentionally thrown them all in together in one place. I’m guessing some skeptic has gone to the dark side and started selling magic water to the gullible. Maybe its what we should all do. If you can’t beat them, join them.

  13. David says:

    No, I refuse to believe that this is real. The Kirlian photography was just too much. This will soon be revealed as a very unsubtle hoax perpetrated by skeptics.

  14. brainmatters says:

    I’m with Lans Ellion and David–it’s just too over the top. As to the picture of the Mayor, his expression looks a bit prankish as well.

    On the other hand, I know some people who are so into woo that they would jump right up and buy this stuff. I mean…it is… QUANTUM… after all! I surely did not think people would rave about Coconut Water and eat revolting gluten-free, vegan “brownies” either. By the way, I’m a mostly vegan vegetarian, but one of the exceptions I make is baked goods, which I only consume on special occasions.

  15. Dave Rockwell says:

    Who needs “studies” to support this elixir? Mariel Hemingway herself drinks it! Although I would suppose that the near-immortality it confers would disappear outside Los Angeles city limits.

  16. Daun Eierdam says:

    There’s tap water and then there’s tap water. If you live in Laredo, Texas, you prefer any kind of filtered water.

  17. Mike McFall says:

    First a grammatical error or theirs; you can’t treat something with electromagnetism. Electromagnetism is the study of electromagnetic phenomena. Second, if they’re getting quantum behavior at room temperature, please tell so that I can get a room temp superconductor.

  18. Kent says:

    This part I accept – it was exposed to the atmosphere, daylight and the Earth’s magnetic field. So was was glass of tap water.

    STARFIRE WATER is treated with ultraviolet, ozonation,infra-red stimulation and electromagnetism for a negative (-) ion charged water, as in nature,

  19. Jeffery says:

    I’ll bet they were laughing their asses off all the time they were writing that label! I used to sell lemonade at County Fairs and a friend who was helping us one day said, “I’ll bet you could set up a stand here with a sign that said, ‘Get poked in the eye with a sharp stick- $1.00′, and you’d have people lined up around it.”

    • Laughing says:

      Reminds me of the same goofy copy that graces the labels of Dr. Bronners All!One! Peppermint Liquid Soap.

  20. Richard Smith says:

    With all that hype on their site, I’m surprised they didn’t claim that STARFIRE had electrolytes. Then again, they’d probably have to change its name…

  21. Carl says:

    The mayor referenced does not appear to exist.

    OK, further research indicates that this is Anthony Villaraigosa of Los Angeles. (People accuse New Yorkers of being city-centric, but Mr. Edward didn’t feel it necessary to say what town the man is mayor of!) The word “Hydrtaes” in the caption threw me off–I thought it was his name, but it would seem it’s a typo for “hydrates”.

  22. ArtK says:

    On Starfire Water. According to Google Street View and both company web sites (as well as my knowledge of the area), Starfire Water shares an address with Moonlight Printing — a general-purpose print shop. One wonders if they are filling bottles of water from the tap in the back of the print shop.

    Some lovely claims:

    We have been vigorously testing structured water and currently have laboratory results which show lower boiling point, significantly lower viscosity (thinner water), and lower surface tension. These are all characteristics of a water with smaller clusters of molecules. Clinical test results also indicate a strong impact on the physiology after ingesting structured water. The amount of energy increase emanating from the body after drinking structured water has been documented and recorded using Kirlian photography.

  23. ScythesRKool says:

    Man oh man glancing at all the negative comments! I have a simple question: has anyone that left a skeptical or negative response, even tried it?? How can you critique something you’ve never experienced? That’s like writing an article on a book that was never read. Maybe you guys should try it first THEN leave appropiate feedback….. afterall, that is what the definition of a “review” is.

    • EyesOpen says:

      To RKool: To begin with, I don;t think you grasp the hype involved in marketing strategies. The skepticism that folks are seeing is not about the water, it’s about the hype of marketing strategy.
      If all the scientific research and development of this product is true, then why not offer it at $199.00 dollars a bottle, instead of $1.99.
      Marketing sales techniques have proven to be successful if something is offered at under $2.00 because most people (demographically) are more likely to buy out of the sheer magic of good value. The other tip off to this hype-hockey is within the first three words of the pitch, “Legend has it…” What legend? Druid Legend?, Runic Legend?, Norse Legend? What legend? Answer: No Legend.
      It just sounds like it has credibility because any New Age or New Order Nimrods are so desperate for idealistic perfection, they will believe anything that sounds so scientifically studied, intelligently worded, or from mystic ancient origins.
      The advertisers know this. And they know that fish like you will take the bait.
      Do you think for one second that the ancients had any knowledge of reverse osmosis, psionic wave oscillation, or Sacred Sound Resonance Transmissions? Or whether they cared one iota about their aquaporins, monatomic elements or ultraviolet ozonation. More than likely, they were drinking the same water that their horses just urinated in.
      So, “RKool-Aid”, my suggestion is that if you want to believe that this water is so incredibly wonderful derived from all this “scientific influx, ancient mysticism, and legendary hypo-crap”, then I have a bridge that you just might want to buy.

  24. Laughing says:

    A large shipment of Starfire water was misdelivered to my door. we tried a bottle and while it was refreshing like Arrowhead spring water, I didn’t taste any “tingling on the roof the mouth” as the hype stated.
    A whole lotta WOO going on and the large bottles are nearly $4 each. Jeffery Carillo, the founder of Starfire, must be making some serious coin.

  25. Carol says:

    Ahhhh….another bio-available drink that will keep that cosmic connection after the cosmic kundalini yoga workout . This water is reverse osmosis, ultraviolet light( you can get this water from the self – serve vending machines at most grocery stores) then etherium hold added , which is just essence of Gold and can be purchased on line . Etherium gold has health benefits…. the Ancient coral is good old Tourmaline to alkaline the water.
    I can make this water at home!!!!
    35 cents a gallon at vending machine, add gold and tourmaline and voila!