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Five Sure-Shot Predictions for 2013

by Mark Edward, Oct 11 2012

Okay folks, I’ve polished up my crystal ball, looked deeply within and will now put my New Year’s predictions out to get a jump on the paranormal glut shortly to appear inside the tabloids.

No need to buy the National Enquirer, it’s all here:



1) Lindsay Lohan will become pregnant with an alien child. 

Several well known celebrities will compete  for the title of fatherhood, including the ghost of Peter Sellers, channeled through Michele Bachmann.

2) Tom Cruise will begin losing his hair and start sporting a deerstalker hat.

Tom will also become romantically entangled with Russian ballerina Polina Semionova, but their bliss will be short lived after he finds out she was weaned on wolf blood and Lexapro.

3) Theresa Caputo with fall off the stage in her high heels and suffer a broken neck.

After her long-suffering demise, her spirit will become permanently lodged in the throat of Axel Rose, who will discover a whole new career as a medium.

4) Honey Boo Boo will be abducted by aliens.

But will be immediately transported back to earth and found alive and well inside Ann Romney’s pet carrier. Chihuahuas will be involved.

 5) Cher and Mel Gibson will shack up in the summer of 2013. 

In an attempt to re-invent a  new  Malibu ascendancy, the two lovebirds will co-write the script for a re-make of “Cleopatra,” taking on the roles previously made famous by Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. The film will be a flop, but the ghost of Sir Richard will be seen stealing martini olives from the craft wagon.

That’s it.

Now watch the news for the breaking headlines.

 Just remember, you saw it here first.

17 Responses to “Five Sure-Shot Predictions for 2013”

  1. Susan Gerbic says:

    Awesome! I’m sure they will all come true.

  2. David Hewitt says:

    You’re just playing the odds…

  3. Felix Gutt says:

    Ah man, those were the ones I was going to take!

    Except the Honey Boo Boo one… I must be missing an important and vital cultural reference to not know who that is…

  4. Molly says:

    You posted this knowing that you can’t be proven wrong because the world is ending in December.


  5. Paul Ruggeri says:

    Well, at least you called him “Sir” Richard Burton

  6. itzac says:

    When I read Peter Sellers, I thought Peter Weller who is still quite alive. Time-travelling ghost, I thought. Impressive.

  7. Max says:

    I don’t get it.

  8. Chris Howard says:

    It will be discovered that the ancient Mayans said that we would enter the time of “Alpaca lips” which were a rare delicacy, and not “Apocalypse.” Buy stock in condiment manufactures, now! Alpaca lips taste great with ketchup! Yum!

  9. Max says:

    2012 celebrity death list is at 9/50, 3/top 3, and 4/top 10 so far.

  10. Jabjabs says:

    No 6 NASA funding will increase. Nah Just kidding it will still suck.

  11. Ravi Wells says:

    cop out! these are all waaaaay to easy to see coming… ;-)