Five Sure-Shot Predictions for 2013
Okay folks, I’ve polished up my crystal ball, looked deeply within and will now put my New Year’s predictions out to get a jump on the paranormal glut shortly to appear inside the tabloids.
No need to buy the National Enquirer, it’s all here:
1) Lindsay Lohan will become pregnant with an alien child.
Several well known celebrities will compete for the title of fatherhood, including the ghost of Peter Sellers, channeled through Michele Bachmann.
2) Tom Cruise will begin losing his hair and start sporting a deerstalker hat.
Tom will also become romantically entangled with Russian ballerina Polina Semionova, but their bliss will be short lived after he finds out she was weaned on wolf blood and Lexapro.
3) Theresa Caputo with fall off the stage in her high heels and suffer a broken neck.
After her long-suffering demise, her spirit will become permanently lodged in the throat of Axel Rose, who will discover a whole new career as a medium.
4) Honey Boo Boo will be abducted by aliens.
But will be immediately transported back to earth and found alive and well inside Ann Romney’s pet carrier. Chihuahuas will be involved.
5) Cher and Mel Gibson will shack up in the summer of 2013.
In an attempt to re-invent a new Malibu ascendancy, the two lovebirds will co-write the script for a re-make of “Cleopatra,” taking on the roles previously made famous by Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. The film will be a flop, but the ghost of Sir Richard will be seen stealing martini olives from the craft wagon.
That’s it.
Now watch the news for the breaking headlines.
Just remember, you saw it here first.
Awesome! I’m sure they will all come true.
You’re just playing the odds…
:-) @ David H.
Concise and beautiful !
Ah man, those were the ones I was going to take!
Except the Honey Boo Boo one… I must be missing an important and vital cultural reference to not know who that is…
You do not want to know. Trust me.
I was shocked that Mark knows who she is. I barely know who she is.
You posted this knowing that you can’t be proven wrong because the world is ending in December.
Busted!
Well, at least you called him “Sir” Richard Burton
Is Richard Burton dead? Why weren’t we told?
When I read Peter Sellers, I thought Peter Weller who is still quite alive. Time-travelling ghost, I thought. Impressive.
I don’t get it.
It will be discovered that the ancient Mayans said that we would enter the time of “Alpaca lips” which were a rare delicacy, and not “Apocalypse.” Buy stock in condiment manufactures, now! Alpaca lips taste great with ketchup! Yum!
You gave me a much-needed laugh.
That is patently ridiculous!!!
Surely it is a soupçon of balsamic vinegar that would be the preferred condiment.
2012 celebrity death list is at 9/50, 3/top 3, and 4/top 10 so far.
http://www.deathlist.net
No 6 NASA funding will increase. Nah Just kidding it will still suck.
cop out! these are all waaaaay to easy to see coming… ;-)